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Just as it was for Nola Darling, as an artist...it is for me.

A European art buyer/collector will likely tell you that your portraiture and/or studies of contemporary Black people in every day settings, that is not overtly attached to historical symbolism or past and present suffering and conflicts, IS NOT SIGNIFICANT, HAS NO REAL MEANING, CONVEYS NO MESSAGE...

THAT IS NOT IT...YOU KNOW IT AND THEY KNOW IT

It's that they have not reconciled how they will explain to pretentious "judges" of their purchase/commission that they paid for the artwork above their mantle or sofa simply because they thought the Black woman or Black Man you painted was exquisite...because the subject is beautiful. It is difficult for most of them to reconcile that they sat and marveled at complexions and features that cannot be associated with their own. As that buyer, how do you explain that when you know they won't "get it", if you've ever even felt it? Not my problem, it's theirs, if they're human enough to rise to the challenge. The flip side of that coin - they may have willfully or subconsciously lived their lives discriminating against that very beauty in the most common of circumstances, and can now only admit to finding that same beauty fascinating and acceptable provided it's been "co-signed" as having value because the subject is depicted in a way and setting that will make the buyer and the viewers comfortable.

I have no tolerance for a critic who needs me to make up a fabricated, convoluted and prepared statement about my process, or the "deeper meaning" for a piece that I have created and am proud of from the simplest inspiration which, for me, usually amounts to "Because I felt it was someone I needed to draw/paint...I saw something there". Hypothetical round of the most pretentious, validation seeking, testing of your mettle line of questioning you may one day be subjected to when they can't process your explanation of the simplicity of your inspiration: What can I learn from this piece? You can, maybe, learn to be honest enough with yourself to admit that you like this painting of this Black woman for the same reason you liked the look of your wife, or husband upon first seeing them - because they were attractive, because something made you want to be closer to them, because they pleased your eyes before you knew a name, before you saw a family tree, before you could hope that they somehow contributed to an important moment in history. What message is being conveyed? That she is delicate and powerful simultaneously because her features dance with each other and you felt the rhythm the moment you saw her. How does she fit into the look of this exhibition? She fits because you're looking...because you're asking me about her right now. Because, baby, if there was nothing to her, you would have walked on by...you know it, and I know it.

Artists, do your art...no one is qualified to tell you how it should be done. Black always has and always will look spectacular in any setting.

For me, the significance, the meaning and the message is US...exactly as we are in whatever setting or circumstance that I'm inspired to depict.

Stop allowing them to make you feel that Black must always be Black in conjunction with their allotted purpose for us. Black is out here Blacking just because it does, and can...I want to capture all of it. And I will.

LATE HOUR INCLUSION FROM A COMMENT I WROTE: "Mona Lisa was simply, someone's wife, NOT A QUEEN, NOT A COUNTESS, NOT A DUCHESS, NOT A MEMBER OF THE ROYAL COURT, NOT AN ACTIVIST - simply a woman, made universally intriguing only because a renowned artist saw beauty in her and decided to capture her. This is my cousin, Raven, and this artist decided that she needed to be captured BECAUSE she was intriguing....I stared at her delicate features as she fixed a plate of food at the family gathering...the earrings, the makeup, the exaggeration of her hairstyle to include colors - my vision of her - having seen past what she will tell you she's never seen. It was the first time I heard her refer to herself as "beautiful", as in "you really think I'm beautiful, like that?" and I knew then that this was one of the most important pieces I've created. What do you think would happen to a western perspective art critic telling me that she is of no significance, that she doesn't fit, that there is no story to her? I think you know."

This piece is untitled and, yes, I am open to suggestions for a TITLE (Warning: That does not mean open to critiques about the piece, please, for the love of all that is holy, tread carefully and resist that cloying urge)

The reason it is untitled is simple because I didn't take it seriously when I started sketching. It was just me playing around with what I considered to be a dope ass pose from the Artpose app, and wanting to depict it. The idea for the wings came as I was drawing her. Now, she was sketched and then drawn in pencil. I don't know what compelled me to finally use the AIRBRUSH TOOL in ARTRAGE, as I have previously shied away from it (as I usually do with new creative introductions) but decided to go for it. My leedohl seester responded strongly to the wings, feeling that they had a look of "satin"...I just knew that I thought they looked more dramatic than they would have with the PENCIL TOOL.

Sorry, this is about to turn into a blog, roll with it (I'll post it to my actual blog when I'm done)...it JUST struck me (as I'm typing) that I was fascinated by photographer and artist, Benjamin J Foster's process of capturing a lucky bamboo plant, in a re-purposed spaghetti jar with plumes of incense smoke surrounding it against a dramatic jet black background that made the reflection of the jar and the phantom qualities of the smoke POP! It was simply him knowing his camera and being knowledgeable about settings, he adjusted the aperture or some shit ('cause I can't get technical) that would restrict the allowance for light. That fascinated me! Because I thought "See, that's what you can do when you know what everything you own does!". I do not know what everything I own (read: My tools in Artrage) do. Even though my virtual mentor, Howard Barry, instructed me many times to "get in there and play around". I'm afraid of playing around though (likening it to monkey bars on the playground), I mean sure, the OTHER kids make it looks like tons of fun, but what if I fall and hurt myself? and to paraphrase a brilliant retort that I've seen..."BUT WHAT IF YOU DON'T?" And just like that, I have a particular mission now in Artrage...to create something with all of the tools that I have shied away from before and their varied settings. Iucked into her "satin wings", when I should have KNOWN that by choosing to AIRBRUSH them, that it would have given the dramatic effect that my spirit wanted them to have.

We should want to know it all. How does this medium react on that paper? (I do not)...what happens if I attempt to combine this with that? (I don't know)...If I were to use this in order to...? (yo, I can't call it)....that has been my excuse AND my comfort. It is why I ordered and received various painting supplies about 4 months ago and I have yet to EVEN OPEN THE BOX.

I am intimidated.

I am afraid of making something that looks "less than"

fear may be keeping me from a masterpiece.

or, I may simply may discover that I suck as a painter.

would that be the worst thing in the world to discover when I consider that can still l draw my ass off, so...all will not be lost?

I owe it to myself to KNOW what these mediums and tools I have can do with me, and I with them - because who wants to always soar with regular ol' paper wings, when you can reach heights with those dramatically lovely satin joints that you CHOSE for your flight today.

TERRI!

(DISCLAIMER: Please forgive any typos, I do these blogs on the fly, as inspiration hits and I'm usually fairly rushed.)

I woke up feeling very proud of myself....the first two pieces that you see, WARRIOR and BB are my forays out of my comfort zone, assignments given to me after I requested them from my virtual mentor, Howard Barry​ (amazing man, know his work, it will enhance your life)...I was "meh" about Warrior, but very pleased with BB, I felt that I truly took heed to his recommendations and suggestions and, as a result, created a piece that I'm very proud of. (NOTE: THIS IS A FACEBOOK POST, SO ONLY ONE OF THE PIECES IS PICTURED)

My other constant battle is grappling with a decidedly tepid imagination...I don't like HAVING TO rely on the amazing source photographs I use...being inspired is one thing - having a crutch is another. I visualize concepts, but because I had forgotten the foundation of the human body (skeleton, musculature, foreshortening, etc.) it was very intimidating to even consider creating a pose "from scratch". Also, I just need to experiment more, do some "out there" isht and see what happens...so I created the first piece in what has now become the BLACK series. The woman. Some of you saw, she started as a skeletal figure, and then I fleshed her, along with the concept. Then I was fortunate enough to get permission from my friend Mikal Singletary​ to create a rendering from his beauty. In the source photo of him that I worked from, he had on jeans. Those.came.off. In keeping with the vibe and look of the first BLACK piece, the woman. I am proud of how I depicted him. The piece that I completed last night is a stylized/conceptualized self portrait - I went a little further with the "dripping oil" concept and geared for the highly artistic. I feel that I succeeded.

Remember when I was studying the skeleton? Pop quizzing myself by periodically putting up statuses listing the major bones? Yes, that is being applied. I started another piece in the BLACK series last night, where I am building another woman from the skeleton up. I am excited. There is so much more to come.

I'm about to go crazy. In the best way.

Thank you for encouraging me all of the way. It means more than you know.

Before you read my thoughts, read Jesse Pinkman's (Breaking Bad)

Jesse Pinkman: I took this vo-tech class in high school, woodworking. I took a lot of vo-tech classes, because it was just big jerk-off, but this one time I had this teacher by the name of... Mr... Mr. Pike. I guess he was like a Marine or something before he got old. He was hard hearing. My project for his class was to make this wooden box. You know, like a small, just like a... like a box, you know, to put stuff in. So I wanted to get the thing done as fast as possible. I figured I could cut classes for the rest of the semester and he couldn't flunk me as long as I, you know, made the thing. So I finished it in a couple days. And it looked pretty lame, but it worked. You know, for putting in or whatnot. So when I showed it to Mr. Pike for my grade, he looked at it and said: "Is that the best you can do?" At first I thought to myself "Hell yeah, bitch. Now give me a D and shut up so I can go blaze one with my boys." I don't know. Maybe it was the way he said it, but... it was like he wasn't exactly saying it sucked. He was just asking me honestly, "Is that all you got?" And for some reason, I thought to myself: "Yeah, man, I can do better." So I started from scratch. I made another, then another. And by the end of the semester, by like box number five, I had built this thing. You should have seen it. It was insane. I mean, I built it out of Peruvian walnut with inlaid zebrawood. It was fitted with pegs, no screws. I sanded it for days, until it was smooth as glass. Then I rubbed all the wood with tung oil so it was rich and dark. It even smelled good. You know, you put nose in it and breathed in, it was... it was perfect.

Creatively, I am immature. Am all clandestine fumblings in a movie theatre with the boy I like who I haven't told that I'm still a virgin at 17. Faking the moans and writhing because that's how I've seen them do it in the partially sexy movies that I've seen. I grope at my art and switch perceived gender roles at some point to become the boy who has now heard the word "virgin" and decided that "she" (my art) is too much work. I was planning to be in and out (pun intended).

Yesterday, after being wholly unsatisfied with a pen sketch of Angelina Jolie that ended up looking more like her world weary Aunt who imbibed far too much...I decided to tackle the attempt again. I asked myself the very thing that Jesse's teacher asked of him, "Is that the best you can do?". Certainly it can't be. I know better. The people who have been encouraging me know better. They also know me well enough not to tell me that. So, with no one but myself to answer to, I walk away from failed attempts and never look back.

In my days of spoken word, I PRIDED myself on stepping onto the Love Jones stage with a new piece EVERY SINGLE WEEK. I scoffed at the thought of doing the same poem twice. Why? I've got plenty of shit to say...and I wrote it down...and I want them to hear it...and I'm too young at this to be stagnant. Renea Moss told me, "Yes, but, wait until you hear how you deliver a piece once you KNOWWWWWWWWWW it. When you have committed it to memory and can revisit the space you were in when you wrote it...it's going to take on a life of its own." (Those weren't her exact words, but that was the gist of her advice). I did what she said. She was right. I learned to say "Hello" (from the other siiiiiiiiiiiiiiide...I'm sorry, I tried not to - I didn't) pieces that I said "Goodbye" to without ever looking back. That taught me that my first recital of any piece was rarely "THE BEST THAT I COULD DO."

These pen sketches are an exercise in trusting myself creatively/artistically...I have a tendency to translate that to "trust that it will be flawless". That is unrealistic AND stupid. With every dismissal of a piece that I, in my opinion, have fucked up - I am telling myself "THAT IS THE BEST I CAN DO". No. That's, as Jamikka would say, "ungood". Because it's not. I need to revisit my failures, try to determine why I failed, try to create something better...challenge myself more.

Today I pulled up the same photo of Angelina...looked at yesterday's fuck up and asked myself "IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?" and then I went to work. Today's sketch is not even the best that I can do, but keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow. I'll get there.

(DISCLAIMER: Please, for now, excuse any typos ...my blogs are written during bursts of inspiration and I have to get it down while I can.)

Watched "Hear My Train A' Comin' the other night, also saw Andre 3000's portrayal of the late, great Jimi Hendrix recently. I was, naturally, more moved by the documentary - my first full scale introduction to the man. Jimi Hendrix wasn't on my radar until an ex introduced me to one of his songs, and he played it so frequently that I ended up being forced to pay attention to the talent. After that, I never really thought about him much again - until I found out that Andre' would be portraying him. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Dre', had to become re-acquainted quick.

The man was beautiful, the man is beautiful.

Today, as I digitally painted the piece featured for this blog, with a calm stroke battling a frantic mind (watching the clock, wondering how far I could push this luxury before having to leave for work) I found myself REALLY wishing that this could be it for me. That my talent would bring the buyers who would bring the money to sustain me from art ALONE. I know that is nirvana for me, my xanadu, my personal heaven. I want it,

My next thought was "Oh, Jimi...you dear, shy, genius of a humble soul you....why baby?" He was doing what I dream of - living off of his passion, traveling because of his passion, writing and performing his music exactly the way he wanted to. How could that not be enough? How can it be that this didn't fill all chasms, fill all voids, heal all wounds, and remedy all aches? How can a person come to you with a drug and say "You wanna get high?"....I imagined someone trying that with me if I was living my dream as Jimi was - if I was living off of my art - getting to travel, see new places, meet new people and have my talents appreciated and supported to a degree that financially sustains me. "Hey, Terri, you wanna get high?".....*blink* BITCH, I CAN GET NO HIGHER...IF YOU DON'T GET ON WITH THAT WEAK ASS SHIT". There is NO higher high than the plateau I would reach because of my dream manifesting.

Art returned to me when I was at my lowest low, after losing HER. If I didn't become vulnerable enough to implode THEN, there ain't shit you can do to make me crumble now, trust. Art pulled me through that. I believe it has the power to pull me through nearly anything, if I let it. I will ALWAYS try to let it. I have lows. No doubt. We're living. How do you not have lows when you're living? on this planet? with THESE people? Impossible not to. But my highs *leaaaaans hard while dipping low* my highs mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, my highs will have your Jesus saying "Yo, can I come up there and chill with you?" Yeah. Like that.

It's fortifying to know that this can bring me all of the peace I need - when there is no man to comfort me, no friend around to share my stories with, when the day comes that there in no one in my home but me - it is amazing to know that I can still experience euphoria - that my "high" will NEVER have to be outsourced. Oh, Terri, you live an enchanted life indeed.

sigh. Oh Jimi. Wish you could have known this.

DISCLAIMER: my blogs are created during spur of the moment, bursts of inspiration. Please forgive typos and unintentional grammatical errors. I may come back and tighten those up, or not. Get that message anyway.

Something occurred to me after I completed the digital painting you see above, titled "GUS IS BUGGIN' OUT!!"....Most of you will get the wordplay...some of you won't. Some of you won't simply because "Buggin' Out" is a character that is before your time, and if you don't get down on the old "classics", there is a strong possibility that a movie that was released 26 years ago is not a blip on your radar. Buggin' Out became an iconic oft-quoted character and actor Giancarlo Esposito certainly cemented his place in our hearts and minds with his portrayal. BUT, does Giancarlo prefer to be remembered for Buggin' Out, or would he prefer that your lasting impression be of his character, Gus Fring, from Breaking Bad. Deliciously sinister and welllllllllllllllll played. Or would it be something else?

and then, what of those multi-talented individuals who sing, dance, act, play instruments, whatever - and manage to do all of them exceptionally well - does it matter to them what their lasting impression is?

There is a group of people who know me as a poet, as a spoken word artist, who - if they are not friends on my social networks - may not have a clue that I am an illustrator. There is a group of people who have no clue that I once performed poetry and only know me as an illustrator. What will be that lasting impression for me. Is there one that I prefer you think of when you think of me? Which of the two do I want to resonate after my time here is done?

It is art...my illustrations...drawing....

I am thankful for all of the love, support and encouragement I received as a poet from South Florida -but before I moved here, I was a girl who dreamed ONLY of drawing, who wrote poetry from time to time. My how the tides change. Now I am a woman, who again dreams ONLY of drawing, and cannot remember the last time I SERIOUSLY gave my all to a poem. Yes, it is that. It is that thing that consumes me, that I literally dream about that I want to be the lasting impression. I want my name spoken in the circles of visual artists and held in HIGH REGARD...I work toward that every day.

I cannot tell you when I will write another poem - although that aspect of creativity will always belong to me - but I can for damn sure ASSURE YOU that the minute I finish typing this blog, I will work on another illustration/drawing/painting. For me it is the impression that is lasting.

DISCLAIMER: I write blogs purely based on unforced inspiration...I type quickly in order to get down the many thoughts running through my mind when something "hits"...please forgive typos and unintentional grammatical errors. I may return to fix them, or not. Hope you'll stick with me regardless.

As a teenager, Katie Holmes dreamt of marrying Tom Cruise...and you know what, SHE EFFFIN' DID!! Yeah, yeah, they're divorced now, but that is not the point...for me, that's an amazing thing, because I'm sure that as a teen she had an inkling that acting was a passion of hers, so she probably figured the likelihood of meeting him was pretty strong, wouldn't you say? Makes sense to me. Here's the kicker though, before the universe led her to what would become her husband - I guarantee you that Katie dated and had crushes on other guys, and after marrying and divorcing her "prince charming", she has gone on to have crushes on and date other guys.

Sit with that for a sec.

Simon Bishop, the simply delightful artist in the movie AS GOOD AS IT GETS, starring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt: after a terrible robbery, resulting from his infatuation with a "momentary Muse", Simon found out that his "creative mojo" had also been stolen. He trusted his muse and his muse betrayed him. He spiraled into depression at a whirlwind pace and the only thing that saved him? A new, unexpected Muse - found in Helen Hunt's partially nude form.

Katie got exactly what she wanted, and it wasn't meant to be hers forever *kanye shrug*. Simon got what he wanted, and lost it, and found it again. I set my sights on working with Les Twins, my creative muses, when I re-discovered my passion. Years have now passed, they are aware of my work, and I understand that working with them may not happen. Here's the beautiful thing that keeps this from being a debilitating disappointment for me creatively. Like my girl, Katie "I dated before...and I will date again"....so I have several muses, and they take different forms and all serve amazing purposes. They are not always meant for me TO draw, sometimes they provide the inspiration for WHAT to draw -- some of them are Sancha McBurnie (photographer), Harvey Lisse (photographer), Antonia Jenae' (photographer and subject, NC Neverless (Dancer and subject), and I now have plans for Misty Copeland (premiere ballerina) and her mentees (just introduced to their talent today - Shaazir and Naazir). I date.

Like my boy Simon, I deny neither my eyes, nor my heart. I know INSTANTLY when I will NEED to draw someone. Sometimes I have that hunger to capture them, often times they are strangers, guide me and I ask "May I please?" - and I am rejected. My muses, like Simon's criminal muse, sometimes betray me. I remain open to the next one that may appear.

I think that the most dangerous thing you can ever do creatively is put ALL of your hopes/dreams/aspirations into one person, or a single opportunity, or one Muse. People disappoint, opportunities falls through, and Muses may not be eternal. Your talent will ALWAYS be, THAT is what you count on...Katie Holmes will always be a beautiful woman, and there will always be someone to love her. Simon Bishop, was an undeniably talented artist in the movie, that could not be "taken" from him. Working with Les Twins may not be in the cards for me, and I will never stop being a powerful illustrator who is growing with each passing day.

There are endless creative possibilities, so I "date" - and you should too.

Don't you dare give away your power by thinking you have but one source for anything - I promise you, it's not true - this world is too large and wondrous for that to be anyone's cruel reality. Date ;)



(DISCLAIMER - my blogs are written in inspirational bursts...forgive, please, typos and unintentional grammatical errors - I may get to return and clean these up. Or not ;)

What do you do with those creative quirks of yours that you try over and over again to overcome? The ones that attach to you like skin, and even when you fight the beasts back and cage them, you go on about your way, relieved...FINALLY free...only to have the crafty bastards find a way to escape...

What of that thing that haunts you and gets in your way? Smokey's mama said it "Make it enuf!"

Everyone who knows me as a visual artist knows that I bitch and moan about struggling with proportioning...the bane of my existence it be. It causes me to get frustrated and discouraged when I should just be enjoying the process of drawing and be at peace. So, today, I decided to give in to the beast...to "MAKE IT ENUF" and decided to let that mental block that is always there, watching, waiting, ready to pounce - take over. I delved into PURPOSEFUL caricature for the first time in my life. Oh, no doubt, I've done the shit accidentally countless times - but this was me allowing it to happen. That's different.

This a sign that I'm capable of embracing new things...as a Taurus you KNOW that's monumental. Just in my own time. The evolutionary process is set long before you recognize it, so allow it to happen in its time. When I just want to have fun, but don't have the mindset (like today) to really "hunker down" and focus, it's always FUN to have FUN, yanno? The big eyes that haunt my planning..the "too much space" between features that nags me...can be the very things that make for new discoveries, even if they don't become that thing you "do", it's just good to know that SOMETHING can be done with it, feel me? That you have the power to MAKE IT ENUF.



(DISCLAIMER: My blogs are written during bursts of discovery and inspiration, and usually written during the last few minutes of lunch while I'm at work. Please forgive typos and unintentional grammatical errors (slang reigns supreme, don't even try to come for that) and hopefully I'll come back in and "clean up" one of these fine days. ;) The title, for instance, would be "MAKE IT ENUF!" - Smokey's Mama - but you are ONLY allowed to use letters in the title)

"ALL IS NOT LOST"...a phrase usually recited to us when we're on the verge of giving up hope about...well, about anything. We either say it silently to ourselves as a mantra, or we hear it from someone while they either give us a comforting, warm look, or a comforting, warm pat on the back - sometimes they give them both, at the same damned time.

I say "ALL IS NOT LOST" to myself often, when working in pen, and accidentally stroke an errant line - or because the pen decides to poop out a glob of ink out of nowhere. I tell myself that to get through, to force myself to make something out of nothing. I tell myself that so that I don't end up with sketch pad after sketch pad populated with more f'ups than successes. I tell myself that until I believe it and until I am successful in figuring out a way to make the mistake work. When you do that consistently for some time, tell yourself that all is not lost, and make the errors work you forget one thing that hold just as true:

SOMETIMES IT IS...

Sometimes you lose the creation to a fuck up so grand, that you cannot salvage the work. Sometimes all is lost, irretrievably, irrevocably lost and you have to deal with that. Dealing with it, is not the same as allowing it to consume you and having you questioning your abilities. SOMETIMES IT IS, sometimes all is lost and I honestly believe those moment exist for the sole purpose of keeping you humble. It's sometimes needed so that you don't even let the high horse sidle up next to you, because you may be tempted to put your foot in the stirrup and get on. It is the high horse that you put your idols on, when they display flawless creation after flawless creation and you start to convince yourself that they must NEVER make a mistake. I promise you that I am 95% certain that all of them do. Levels of expertise may ensure that there are substantially larger gaps in between occurrences, but rest assured - there ARE occurrences.

ALL IS NOT LOST - tell yourself this so that you push past your doubts, past any incessant subconscious whining about "i caaaaaaaaaaaaaan't"...tell yourself this so that your creative wheels spin ways to camouflage, and add, and change perspective, so that the mistake is barely noticeable, if at all. Then, once you've done EVERYTHING YOU CAN POSSIBLY THINK OF to save your creation...and it's STILL atrocious to you, it STILL sucks sloth balls...say to yourself...SOMETIMES IT IS. Then throw that shit away, and begin anew. It's what the newest and the most veteran of us do.

Note: The SOMETIMES IT IS piece is not pictured, it was of Lil Kim and I f'd it up ROYALLY - I shall create a bonfire from it. The ALL IS NOT LOST piece of Nicolas Cage IS pictured because some things started going wrong, I pushed past, and salvaged it. Yay me! ;)


DISCLAIMER: My blogs are created during bursts of inspiration, please excuse any typos and grammatical errors....I will hopefully make the time to return and clean them up.

Go ahead...free yourself up to do this thing. It's going to give you some insight into "THAT THING".

That thing that you couldn't seem to get a good handle on until now. That thing that brought you most of your creative strife because you couldn't seem to overcome it...until you did this thing, or that other thing...hell, anything that wasn't THAT THING.

For me, this thing is my pen sketches - I had someone ask what I'm doing with them....told him "Nuffin'. They are just a means to honor my vow to myself (to create every day) even when I'm not particularly inspired to work on bigger projects. Now, my THAT THING has always been my "heavy handedness"....I will bear down and go to work THINKING that I've captured a likeness, only to draw in areas so dark, and press so hard that once I realize I am wrong - I didn't capture the subject's likeness like I thought - now I've done too much "dark damage" to repair. I usually have to scrap the drawing and start all over again. My fatal flaw - my thing...THAT thing.

This thing has been working with pen and becoming more than a little comfortable with this UNFORGIVING MEDIUM. Drawing with pen taught me two things 1) To tread more lightly than I ever imagined I could, and 2) Learn to make something out of those mistakes - 'cause blotters gon' blot *leans widdit*. What I mean is that, pen ink will suddenly pool and clump, and you will have to find a way to navigate around those "oops" moments. But there is nothing that will save you if you go hard with pen on every line like you're Kanye (a.k.a. The most overly confident mofo on this planet). Sketching with pen forces me to lay down strokes lightly (go ahead, I'll wait...you pervs) and then build layer upon layer, growing into the detail I desire. Remember, this has always been a battle for me, HOLDING BACK...it was "THAT THING".

Just sketched out a likeness drawing in pencil, for the first time in a few weeks now actually. It was like THAT THING was never a thing at all....this thing (me rocking with pen) had trained me in the art of "easing up"! Now I'm going about the process of slowly building, and building lightly so that if I step away, come back, and realized something is off - I will be able to erase and correct. I couldn't do that before, because THAT THING always got in the way. Sometimes you have to do the thing, the "this thing", that may appear like a waste of time to others simply because that's what you feel like doing. Then, like me, you'll realize down the road 'THIS THING" has impacted you beautifully in another area - an area where you may not have even recognized the parallels....making you better at THAT THING, that thing...that thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

Lauryn knew. ;)

DISCLAIMER: My blog writings are bursts of inspiration, it's important for me to get the thoughts down while they are running around in my mind. Please forgive typos and grammatical errors (not the obvious slang, which I fuxwit HEAVILY) and rest assured that I'll be back to "clean up".

Rolling In The Deep
Song by Adele

“There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringin' me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare”

"…and I’ll lay your shit bare"...the lyrics, as captioned above, don't necessarily fit THIS blog topic, but I found myself stuck on those few words as it relates to an amazing statement made by a client, after some decidedly uncomplimentary comments were left on a stylized pen sketch I’d created of her. Here's what went down:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Andrea Muhammad: The sketch is truly beautiful, not because it is me, but because of the talent and artistry that poured onto the paper from the soul of an artist who uses a pen. Whenever an artist puts their skill to use, he or she opens themselves up to others and shares a portion of themselves as well as their perspective with us all. This makes them vulnerable to us and that is why I love both this sketch and the sketch of our daughter. It is because I get to see us through the expression of Terri Meredith. I get to be vulnerable as the subject while she is vulnerable as the artist and in that we have both shared in the experience. Grateful...
March 16 at 9:03pm • Unlike • 2

Terri UrbanaSpeakz Meredith: Wow, that was absolute poetry...and I thank you for this, because I have to honestly say that it's the first time I've REALLY thought about how vulnerable the client leaves themselves when it comes to an interpretation of what they know themselves to be. It made me stop and really think about what may shine through subconsciously when I'm not even aware of it. They don't just SAY you learn something new every day, they really mean it. You gave me so much to think about.
March 16 at 9:37pm • Like • 1


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I never TRULY considered the subject’s vulnerability until the model/subject, Andrea, wrote that. I was aware that a client may not like my depiction…but I never TRULY thought about the fact that I may emphasize features that I find beautiful, that a client does not. I may think that a person’s wrinkles are precisely what makes them appear to be pleasant and welcoming, while they may wish they didn’t exist at all.

For me personally, I have a slightly swollen neck because of a thyroid condition. The more weight I’m holding, the more pronounced it is. An artist drawing me who leans toward realism is going to draw that puffiness that I wish wasn’t there…but it is there...and that will be what the artist is seeing. It’s within their rights to depict it. As the model/subject, it’s within my rights to sincerely wish they hadn’t. An artist will have just laid my shit bare, and when you are commissioning that artist, the chance that they will focus on the very thing that you are most uncomfortable with is a very real possibility. It made me aware that my subject, every single one of them, is laying their shit bare – and hoping that my interpretation will be flattering….that it will cause them to shine, and that I will manage to play up every attribute that they truly love about themselves, and softening or eliminating altogether the ones that they don’t. It is a game of chance, where the best of intentions are at the forefront.

As an artist, I can only hope to convey the beauty and unique attributes/features that I see in my models/subjects. As an artist, I have to understand that what I may consider a successful depiction of what I’m seeing (consciously and subconsciously) may be an absolute “fail” in the model/subject’s opinion. They may feel I’ve made them look “mean”, or “shifty”, or just altogether “unattractive”. I have to live with the times that I won’t be able to remedy that, even after drawing it over, because what I see is what I see, and I simply may never see you exactly as you do.

We are both laying our shit bare, I get that now, because previously, it was ONLY about my vulnerability to criticism…with me not understanding that my models can feel that my depictions are critiques on…them.

Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for laying your shit bare. We’re in this together.




DISCLAIMER: Typed quickly, I will come back to check for grammatical errors and typos, please be lenient.

...whenever I see inspiring stories of people who have been seriously injured and have had to go through grueling rehabilitative processes and therapy, I marvel at their strength. I am not the 'push past the pain' type. No sir, fucketh thateth. I am the learn how to do without that particular ability type. I don't do well with pain at all and the universe knows it, that's why from labor to birth, this happened: First son: 3 hours; Second son: 1.5 hours. I am fully convinced that they simply clawed their way out. I do not PUSH past pain. This applies to everything. If my goal is to do 10 sit ups and the pain begins at sit up number five, I am doing five sit ups. No pain no gain? Cool. No gain then. Push past? I just don't have it in me.

At least that's what i thought...until yesterday.

My bestest (best friend) and I were in a pretty bad car crash yesterday. The kids were in the car with us and everyone is fine. THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE BLESSING.

My hand took a good hit between the impact, the airbag, my momentum forward and the clipboard I was holding. (the clipboard was in pieces after all was said and done) My right hand sustained the injury, I draw with my right hand!!! After we got the kids settled, I got the crumpled, slightly torn paper and with a throbbing hand, I.DREW. I sketched from my phone and drew myself. I hummed myself into the pain, whatever hip hop joint popped into my head...I held that pen, and I sketched while wanting to low-key scream. I pushed. I pushed past the pain, because (aside from knowing that the kids were not hurt) nothing mattered more than knowing that I could force myself to continue drawing, even if it was going to be challenging. I thought of one of my mentors, Howard Barry aka HBcreative, and all that he overcame to be able to continue to immerse himself in his passion. I thought to myself "What if this pain I'm feeling now gradually becomes worse..what if the damage is permanent and it will always feel like this?"...I then thought to myself, I will work with this hand until the pain causes me to pass TF out, and when I awaken, I will teach myself to draw with my left hand.

I was ready to confront and tackle whatever. I didn't realize that, outside of motherhood, I even had that in me. Terri, doing the PUSH???...past the pain??? past any difficulty perceived or imagined????...to do that thing she loves??? I am capable. When what you NEED to do is even a remote possibility, when that thing NEEDS to be within your grasp no matter how fearful you are, no matter how much discomfort it causes, you find a way to...PUSH.

Yesterday I found my way. It's all good.

I love you Antonia :)

"I won't change my mind...but I will shut my mouth...I will HUSH"

I mean that I will not be responding to any social network criticism that is not specifically posted on MY ACCOUNT/PAGE/WALL. There is a broad audience because of the internet and I will need to turn a blind eye to that which does not concern me...so, I will...

HUSH

The vow I'm making to my bestest, after getting read by her about my response to "unsolicited criticism" from strangers. She wants me to brush it off, I could tell her that I will. That will be a lie. I will always be incensed by someone who I barely know, WHEN I HAVE NOT KNOWINGLY PLACED MYSELF IN AN ENVIRONMENT FOR JUDGEMENT (i.e.; competition, gallery, evaluation by creative peers, etc.), giving their breakdown (publicly especially) of what I've done wrong "in their opinion" on a piece. Here's how I look at it, whether right or wrong, this is my take:

1) I am my absolute toughest critic. I am usually not satisfied with many of my pieces that others have lauded. It doesn't get much rougher than me assessing my own work. I rarely need help in that regard.

2) When you don't know an artist's goal, you risk offending them with your interpretation of what you feel the work is lacking, or by describing where they took a wrong turn. You may be used to the "realism" of my work, and comment that a piece where I implemented cubism (Thanks Kathryn ;) is not on par with my other creations. Here's the gotcha though, it was not intended to be. You have now spoken up, completely ignorant that MY goal WAS met.

3) I have professional peers, mentors, and friends - whose work and opinions I hold in the highest regard (Love to George, HBCreative, Antoine Mitchell, Lateef A. Reid, Antonia Jenae', Sancha McBurnie, and Iowan Stone-Flowers) and when I go to them and ask "what am I doing wrong with this piece??!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP?!" although they fear for their lives, because they know how I am, they will answer me truthfully

4) There is a saying "If you have nothing nice to say...." keep scrolling. I am of the opinion that people on social networks would be better off if they took that to heart. It is absolutely not necessary to comment on what you dislike when you can ignore it. I have never gone to a department store, and while purchasing a blouse that I like - show one that I thought was a hideous pattern and said to the clerk "just wanted you to know, I think this blouse is hideous. I mean, I have no intention of buying it, I will instead be purchasing this beautiful one that suits my taste...but it's important that I let you know this one right here sucks." (blink...blink)

This blog is where you get me, my artistic musings unfiltered. Right or wrong, you will know me as an artist.

While I may never reach the stage where I can brush off the critiques of self appointed review committees...I promise her that I will HUSH. She sees something in my ways that I can't and sometimes you have to take the advice of the ones you're blessed to call "friend", even when you're not sure you agree.

So, I will HUSH. ;)

...yesterday I decided to pen sketch one of my creative muses. At some point, while sketching, I questioned myself because certainly my time could be better spent, since I had a commissioned piece as well as some conceptualized pieces that I wanted to get to, right? I mean, was I procrastinating? Not making the best use of my day?

Once, when my passion for illustration was re-ignited, a friend hinted at his concern that I was "always" drawing my Muses. Ya damned skippy I was always drawing them. Hell, I wouldn't even be drawing again, not in the dedicated sense, had it not been for them. Every tribute is a "thank you", and they're beautiful and they inspire me. He planted the seed of doubt in my head for a second, until I wised up and dismissed his concern....it really shouldn't matter if I was drawing staplers and thumb drives all day, every day, I WAS DRAWING. I was honoring a vow I made to myself and drawing every day, whether I felt like it or not.

So here I was, at doubt's crossroad, wondering if I should be drawing this, when there's more for me to do. The answer: YES. Forget everyone. Draw whatever you feel like drawing. Every single pen, pencil, or brush stroke is STRETCHING, warming you up to get in the best creative shape you've ever been in. As you sit there and doodle aimlessly, or sketch something that moved you even though you have more pressing items on your production schedule...you.are.stretching. You are getting your mind ready for the workout that is your commissioned projects, the big ones, the ones you're not even sure if you have the skill-set to adequately tackle.

Right after I finished my pen sketch, which came out "not perfect", but "pretty damned good" - I tackled my commission - a conceptualized portrait drawing for a friend's AMAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZING BAR-B-QUE SAUCE (shameless plug for Lamar Jones' creation "The Jank" - http://www.bbqjank.com/ ), and guess what, it came out PERFECT! Do you know why it came out perfect? BECAUSE I STRETCHED, I gave in to my whim and got my mind and hand ready for the priority project by stretching and warming up on something that had nothing "riding on it"....Because of these small stretching exercises, when it's time to do the big things - I don't "cramp up" with fear/doubt/apprehension the way I normally would as an artist who constantly questions my abilities.

Soooo, why didn't I put up the piece I did for my friend? Because this wasn't about the actual workout, well, not all the way - this was about the stretching, and I wanted you to see that.

Do what you feel and know that ALL OF IT COUNTS. It does.

...the parent, that is. I sometimes offer portrait sketches at discounted pricing and I love when I'm sent pictures by proud parents, especially. But every once in a while a parent sends me a photo that is quirky and fun to look at, but I'm not always sure it's the best choice for a sketch. I guess I've become "run-of-the-mill" in that regard, and will opt for a posed capture, where the facial expression is not too extreme - as I fear that I may end up making it look too cartoonish, and I'm not into caricature artist.

My cousin, Demarick, sent me a photo of his son, King, once. Adorable, bronze-toned little boy with so much personality that his little body can barely contain it all. Huge, expressive eyes - beautifully full lips and a uniquely shaped nose are but some of the things that make him an illustrator's (or portrait artist's) dream. You either beast out and nail it when you draw a face like that, or you miss by a mile and consider burning all art supplies - fueled by the frustration of many failed attempts. (Oh, that's just me?) The photo he sent had King sporting a huge Sponge Bob knit hat, large goggles, and so much of his handsome face was obstructed. I did not want to draw it. I asked my cousin if he was sure that he wanted "thaaaaaaaaat picture" drawn. He was sure. I drew it.

It is one of my favorite pieces to date. The father was right, the hat and the goggles all only served to emphasize his son's unique character traits and it's a quirky beautiful piece. I need to trust them.

These parents...they know what connects them, they know what makes their children so totally special.

Young Taylor (pictured as the cover photo for this blog) is another example. Her dad, Kenneth, sends me a photo of her with her brother - my eyebrow automatically raises. "THIS ONE?" I think to myself again. I contact him because the photo is overexposed in some areas and not as crisp as I normally like to work with. I recommended that he choose another photo of them. He let me know that he was really feeling that one, and that if I could work from it, he would like for me to move forward. They were having fun in that photo. What parent is not at their best when their child or children are unabashedly happy/proud/excited? Not one. We, as parents, love for our children to give the world a glimpse of the unique brilliance and beauty that we appreciate every minute. Taylor served up "attitudinal" pout for the shot. How great is it to see such a driven young girl, who's gifted academically and athletically, having a "big silly sis" moment with the "little bro", yanno? Dad knew it, and now I know it - and yes, it's now another of my faves.

Trust them...these parents...they see ahead of our vision sometimes. yeah.

For me, the struggle has ALWAYS been overcoming my own laziness, and my tendency to shy away from any creative endeavor that is going to require too much commitment. I draw fairly quickly, I always have - and I have found this to be a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I'm able to crank out small scale projects with admirable frequency, but a curse because I have yet to discover what I'm TRULY capable of creating. I am impatient. I am used to my inspiration coming in spurts, and manifesting the visions immediately. I admire those artists who work on pieces for months, and sometimes even years. I have a tendency to feel that they are doing nothing else within this time, and just had to remind myself that these projects are "visited". Artist returns to canvas when the mood hits, and doles out a little more creative love. At least that's what I'm telling myself. So, I have a goal now - STOP STRUGGLING - realize that the world doesn't have to stop spinning on its axis for you to realize what you're capable of. Some things are meant to be visited when the time is right - like memories. Art can be that for me. I can commit to a large scale, focused project and make moves on it when I'm inspired, while still making the smaller, quicker creations that I am also fond of. I multi-task in every other area of my life, why not with this? Why not, indeed. - TERRI!

I started drawing to find peace. I needed a place in my mind/spirit to retreat to after losing my mother on July 10, 2012. I was unable to deal with the amount of regret and grief that had so effortlessly overwhelmed me. I wasn't ready, at all, to be "THIS" much of an adult. Drawing kept me from retreating to a space of pain that I may not be able to return from.

There are times when my often precarious financial situation forces me to look at my work as simply a "meal ticket", or rent, or light bill, or whatever. The frustration that mounts when the orders aren't coming fast and furious, but the bills continue to, is inexplicable. It makes you desperate...it makes you resent everyone who clicks LIKE but doesn't purchase...it makes you side-eye all the people who inbox you repeatedly to ask questions you answered in the first email (if only they would read) only to not commit to the order. All of this takes you so far outside of the realm of "CREATION" that each pencil stroke becomes arduous. You have allowed life to suck the fun out of the thing that keeps you going.

When I allow this to happen, I ask myself one question: "Why did you return to drawing?"...my answer always has been, and always will be - PEACE. I reign myself in, I shoo the bills and the worries away...and I pick up my pencil and I return to my peace. It's a funny thing, the moment I do that, the moment I purify myself in the Waters of Lake Minnetonka (I tried to stop myself. Really. No. No, I did not)...the moment I purify my thoughts and get back to the most organic inspiration the work just starts pouring in. I have watched it happen too many times for it to be a coincidence.

Artists - the bills will often exceed the sales. It's okay. I know it doesn't seem that way, but it is. Remember why you started.