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Rolling In The Deep
Song by Adele

“There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringin' me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare”

"…and I’ll lay your shit bare"...the lyrics, as captioned above, don't necessarily fit THIS blog topic, but I found myself stuck on those few words as it relates to an amazing statement made by a client, after some decidedly uncomplimentary comments were left on a stylized pen sketch I’d created of her. Here's what went down:

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Andrea Muhammad: The sketch is truly beautiful, not because it is me, but because of the talent and artistry that poured onto the paper from the soul of an artist who uses a pen. Whenever an artist puts their skill to use, he or she opens themselves up to others and shares a portion of themselves as well as their perspective with us all. This makes them vulnerable to us and that is why I love both this sketch and the sketch of our daughter. It is because I get to see us through the expression of Terri Meredith. I get to be vulnerable as the subject while she is vulnerable as the artist and in that we have both shared in the experience. Grateful...
March 16 at 9:03pm • Unlike • 2

Terri UrbanaSpeakz Meredith: Wow, that was absolute poetry...and I thank you for this, because I have to honestly say that it's the first time I've REALLY thought about how vulnerable the client leaves themselves when it comes to an interpretation of what they know themselves to be. It made me stop and really think about what may shine through subconsciously when I'm not even aware of it. They don't just SAY you learn something new every day, they really mean it. You gave me so much to think about.
March 16 at 9:37pm • Like • 1


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I never TRULY considered the subject’s vulnerability until the model/subject, Andrea, wrote that. I was aware that a client may not like my depiction…but I never TRULY thought about the fact that I may emphasize features that I find beautiful, that a client does not. I may think that a person’s wrinkles are precisely what makes them appear to be pleasant and welcoming, while they may wish they didn’t exist at all.

For me personally, I have a slightly swollen neck because of a thyroid condition. The more weight I’m holding, the more pronounced it is. An artist drawing me who leans toward realism is going to draw that puffiness that I wish wasn’t there…but it is there...and that will be what the artist is seeing. It’s within their rights to depict it. As the model/subject, it’s within my rights to sincerely wish they hadn’t. An artist will have just laid my shit bare, and when you are commissioning that artist, the chance that they will focus on the very thing that you are most uncomfortable with is a very real possibility. It made me aware that my subject, every single one of them, is laying their shit bare – and hoping that my interpretation will be flattering….that it will cause them to shine, and that I will manage to play up every attribute that they truly love about themselves, and softening or eliminating altogether the ones that they don’t. It is a game of chance, where the best of intentions are at the forefront.

As an artist, I can only hope to convey the beauty and unique attributes/features that I see in my models/subjects. As an artist, I have to understand that what I may consider a successful depiction of what I’m seeing (consciously and subconsciously) may be an absolute “fail” in the model/subject’s opinion. They may feel I’ve made them look “mean”, or “shifty”, or just altogether “unattractive”. I have to live with the times that I won’t be able to remedy that, even after drawing it over, because what I see is what I see, and I simply may never see you exactly as you do.

We are both laying our shit bare, I get that now, because previously, it was ONLY about my vulnerability to criticism…with me not understanding that my models can feel that my depictions are critiques on…them.

Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for laying your shit bare. We’re in this together.




DISCLAIMER: Typed quickly, I will come back to check for grammatical errors and typos, please be lenient.

...whenever I see inspiring stories of people who have been seriously injured and have had to go through grueling rehabilitative processes and therapy, I marvel at their strength. I am not the 'push past the pain' type. No sir, fucketh thateth. I am the learn how to do without that particular ability type. I don't do well with pain at all and the universe knows it, that's why from labor to birth, this happened: First son: 3 hours; Second son: 1.5 hours. I am fully convinced that they simply clawed their way out. I do not PUSH past pain. This applies to everything. If my goal is to do 10 sit ups and the pain begins at sit up number five, I am doing five sit ups. No pain no gain? Cool. No gain then. Push past? I just don't have it in me.

At least that's what i thought...until yesterday.

My bestest (best friend) and I were in a pretty bad car crash yesterday. The kids were in the car with us and everyone is fine. THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE BLESSING.

My hand took a good hit between the impact, the airbag, my momentum forward and the clipboard I was holding. (the clipboard was in pieces after all was said and done) My right hand sustained the injury, I draw with my right hand!!! After we got the kids settled, I got the crumpled, slightly torn paper and with a throbbing hand, I.DREW. I sketched from my phone and drew myself. I hummed myself into the pain, whatever hip hop joint popped into my head...I held that pen, and I sketched while wanting to low-key scream. I pushed. I pushed past the pain, because (aside from knowing that the kids were not hurt) nothing mattered more than knowing that I could force myself to continue drawing, even if it was going to be challenging. I thought of one of my mentors, Howard Barry aka HBcreative, and all that he overcame to be able to continue to immerse himself in his passion. I thought to myself "What if this pain I'm feeling now gradually becomes worse..what if the damage is permanent and it will always feel like this?"...I then thought to myself, I will work with this hand until the pain causes me to pass TF out, and when I awaken, I will teach myself to draw with my left hand.

I was ready to confront and tackle whatever. I didn't realize that, outside of motherhood, I even had that in me. Terri, doing the PUSH???...past the pain??? past any difficulty perceived or imagined????...to do that thing she loves??? I am capable. When what you NEED to do is even a remote possibility, when that thing NEEDS to be within your grasp no matter how fearful you are, no matter how much discomfort it causes, you find a way to...PUSH.

Yesterday I found my way. It's all good.

I love you Antonia :)

"I won't change my mind...but I will shut my mouth...I will HUSH"

I mean that I will not be responding to any social network criticism that is not specifically posted on MY ACCOUNT/PAGE/WALL. There is a broad audience because of the internet and I will need to turn a blind eye to that which does not concern me...so, I will...

HUSH

The vow I'm making to my bestest, after getting read by her about my response to "unsolicited criticism" from strangers. She wants me to brush it off, I could tell her that I will. That will be a lie. I will always be incensed by someone who I barely know, WHEN I HAVE NOT KNOWINGLY PLACED MYSELF IN AN ENVIRONMENT FOR JUDGEMENT (i.e.; competition, gallery, evaluation by creative peers, etc.), giving their breakdown (publicly especially) of what I've done wrong "in their opinion" on a piece. Here's how I look at it, whether right or wrong, this is my take:

1) I am my absolute toughest critic. I am usually not satisfied with many of my pieces that others have lauded. It doesn't get much rougher than me assessing my own work. I rarely need help in that regard.

2) When you don't know an artist's goal, you risk offending them with your interpretation of what you feel the work is lacking, or by describing where they took a wrong turn. You may be used to the "realism" of my work, and comment that a piece where I implemented cubism (Thanks Kathryn ;) is not on par with my other creations. Here's the gotcha though, it was not intended to be. You have now spoken up, completely ignorant that MY goal WAS met.

3) I have professional peers, mentors, and friends - whose work and opinions I hold in the highest regard (Love to George, HBCreative, Antoine Mitchell, Lateef A. Reid, Antonia Jenae', Sancha McBurnie, and Iowan Stone-Flowers) and when I go to them and ask "what am I doing wrong with this piece??!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP?!" although they fear for their lives, because they know how I am, they will answer me truthfully

4) There is a saying "If you have nothing nice to say...." keep scrolling. I am of the opinion that people on social networks would be better off if they took that to heart. It is absolutely not necessary to comment on what you dislike when you can ignore it. I have never gone to a department store, and while purchasing a blouse that I like - show one that I thought was a hideous pattern and said to the clerk "just wanted you to know, I think this blouse is hideous. I mean, I have no intention of buying it, I will instead be purchasing this beautiful one that suits my taste...but it's important that I let you know this one right here sucks." (blink...blink)

This blog is where you get me, my artistic musings unfiltered. Right or wrong, you will know me as an artist.

While I may never reach the stage where I can brush off the critiques of self appointed review committees...I promise her that I will HUSH. She sees something in my ways that I can't and sometimes you have to take the advice of the ones you're blessed to call "friend", even when you're not sure you agree.

So, I will HUSH. ;)

...yesterday I decided to pen sketch one of my creative muses. At some point, while sketching, I questioned myself because certainly my time could be better spent, since I had a commissioned piece as well as some conceptualized pieces that I wanted to get to, right? I mean, was I procrastinating? Not making the best use of my day?

Once, when my passion for illustration was re-ignited, a friend hinted at his concern that I was "always" drawing my Muses. Ya damned skippy I was always drawing them. Hell, I wouldn't even be drawing again, not in the dedicated sense, had it not been for them. Every tribute is a "thank you", and they're beautiful and they inspire me. He planted the seed of doubt in my head for a second, until I wised up and dismissed his concern....it really shouldn't matter if I was drawing staplers and thumb drives all day, every day, I WAS DRAWING. I was honoring a vow I made to myself and drawing every day, whether I felt like it or not.

So here I was, at doubt's crossroad, wondering if I should be drawing this, when there's more for me to do. The answer: YES. Forget everyone. Draw whatever you feel like drawing. Every single pen, pencil, or brush stroke is STRETCHING, warming you up to get in the best creative shape you've ever been in. As you sit there and doodle aimlessly, or sketch something that moved you even though you have more pressing items on your production schedule...you.are.stretching. You are getting your mind ready for the workout that is your commissioned projects, the big ones, the ones you're not even sure if you have the skill-set to adequately tackle.

Right after I finished my pen sketch, which came out "not perfect", but "pretty damned good" - I tackled my commission - a conceptualized portrait drawing for a friend's AMAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZING BAR-B-QUE SAUCE (shameless plug for Lamar Jones' creation "The Jank" - http://www.bbqjank.com/ ), and guess what, it came out PERFECT! Do you know why it came out perfect? BECAUSE I STRETCHED, I gave in to my whim and got my mind and hand ready for the priority project by stretching and warming up on something that had nothing "riding on it"....Because of these small stretching exercises, when it's time to do the big things - I don't "cramp up" with fear/doubt/apprehension the way I normally would as an artist who constantly questions my abilities.

Soooo, why didn't I put up the piece I did for my friend? Because this wasn't about the actual workout, well, not all the way - this was about the stretching, and I wanted you to see that.

Do what you feel and know that ALL OF IT COUNTS. It does.

...the parent, that is. I sometimes offer portrait sketches at discounted pricing and I love when I'm sent pictures by proud parents, especially. But every once in a while a parent sends me a photo that is quirky and fun to look at, but I'm not always sure it's the best choice for a sketch. I guess I've become "run-of-the-mill" in that regard, and will opt for a posed capture, where the facial expression is not too extreme - as I fear that I may end up making it look too cartoonish, and I'm not into caricature artist.

My cousin, Demarick, sent me a photo of his son, King, once. Adorable, bronze-toned little boy with so much personality that his little body can barely contain it all. Huge, expressive eyes - beautifully full lips and a uniquely shaped nose are but some of the things that make him an illustrator's (or portrait artist's) dream. You either beast out and nail it when you draw a face like that, or you miss by a mile and consider burning all art supplies - fueled by the frustration of many failed attempts. (Oh, that's just me?) The photo he sent had King sporting a huge Sponge Bob knit hat, large goggles, and so much of his handsome face was obstructed. I did not want to draw it. I asked my cousin if he was sure that he wanted "thaaaaaaaaat picture" drawn. He was sure. I drew it.

It is one of my favorite pieces to date. The father was right, the hat and the goggles all only served to emphasize his son's unique character traits and it's a quirky beautiful piece. I need to trust them.

These parents...they know what connects them, they know what makes their children so totally special.

Young Taylor (pictured as the cover photo for this blog) is another example. Her dad, Kenneth, sends me a photo of her with her brother - my eyebrow automatically raises. "THIS ONE?" I think to myself again. I contact him because the photo is overexposed in some areas and not as crisp as I normally like to work with. I recommended that he choose another photo of them. He let me know that he was really feeling that one, and that if I could work from it, he would like for me to move forward. They were having fun in that photo. What parent is not at their best when their child or children are unabashedly happy/proud/excited? Not one. We, as parents, love for our children to give the world a glimpse of the unique brilliance and beauty that we appreciate every minute. Taylor served up "attitudinal" pout for the shot. How great is it to see such a driven young girl, who's gifted academically and athletically, having a "big silly sis" moment with the "little bro", yanno? Dad knew it, and now I know it - and yes, it's now another of my faves.

Trust them...these parents...they see ahead of our vision sometimes. yeah.

For me, the struggle has ALWAYS been overcoming my own laziness, and my tendency to shy away from any creative endeavor that is going to require too much commitment. I draw fairly quickly, I always have - and I have found this to be a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I'm able to crank out small scale projects with admirable frequency, but a curse because I have yet to discover what I'm TRULY capable of creating. I am impatient. I am used to my inspiration coming in spurts, and manifesting the visions immediately. I admire those artists who work on pieces for months, and sometimes even years. I have a tendency to feel that they are doing nothing else within this time, and just had to remind myself that these projects are "visited". Artist returns to canvas when the mood hits, and doles out a little more creative love. At least that's what I'm telling myself. So, I have a goal now - STOP STRUGGLING - realize that the world doesn't have to stop spinning on its axis for you to realize what you're capable of. Some things are meant to be visited when the time is right - like memories. Art can be that for me. I can commit to a large scale, focused project and make moves on it when I'm inspired, while still making the smaller, quicker creations that I am also fond of. I multi-task in every other area of my life, why not with this? Why not, indeed. - TERRI!

I started drawing to find peace. I needed a place in my mind/spirit to retreat to after losing my mother on July 10, 2012. I was unable to deal with the amount of regret and grief that had so effortlessly overwhelmed me. I wasn't ready, at all, to be "THIS" much of an adult. Drawing kept me from retreating to a space of pain that I may not be able to return from.

There are times when my often precarious financial situation forces me to look at my work as simply a "meal ticket", or rent, or light bill, or whatever. The frustration that mounts when the orders aren't coming fast and furious, but the bills continue to, is inexplicable. It makes you desperate...it makes you resent everyone who clicks LIKE but doesn't purchase...it makes you side-eye all the people who inbox you repeatedly to ask questions you answered in the first email (if only they would read) only to not commit to the order. All of this takes you so far outside of the realm of "CREATION" that each pencil stroke becomes arduous. You have allowed life to suck the fun out of the thing that keeps you going.

When I allow this to happen, I ask myself one question: "Why did you return to drawing?"...my answer always has been, and always will be - PEACE. I reign myself in, I shoo the bills and the worries away...and I pick up my pencil and I return to my peace. It's a funny thing, the moment I do that, the moment I purify myself in the Waters of Lake Minnetonka (I tried to stop myself. Really. No. No, I did not)...the moment I purify my thoughts and get back to the most organic inspiration the work just starts pouring in. I have watched it happen too many times for it to be a coincidence.

Artists - the bills will often exceed the sales. It's okay. I know it doesn't seem that way, but it is. Remember why you started.